Having it all

I apologise in advance if this post gets a bit lost at times and a little chaotic but I need somewhere to vent how I'm currently feeling. I'm a pessimist by nature, and a cynic to boot which doesn't help when I get stuck in a rut with thoughts whizzing around in my mind. From a very young age I knew I would work when I grew up. I know that might sound a little bit silly and naive but I never saw myself as someone to stay at home with children long term but that I would be able to have both, a job and a family and somehow the two would happily exist together without any problems. After finishing our degrees in 2008 my husband and I both got jobs at one of the big four UK supermarkets and we have made upward progression over the last couple of years but have now hit a brick wall as we wait for any new positions to become available which looks unlikely for the foreseeable future. I think we stayed here for several reasons, one being we like the town and being by the sea is really lovely, two because we are both from different parts of the country and having met here staying here solved the problem of one of us not having to move somewhere new and three we didn't know what exactly we wanted to do next. And then we were headlong into recession, job cuts and terrible prospects so we just stayed put. Five years later we are still here. Don't get me wrong, we have made some wonderful friends during our time here but I feel the time for change has come.

I believe we could have a really promising future with the company we are with but not here due to a lack of opportunity. Relocation is just the start. In an ideal world I would love to move back to be closer to one of our families where we would have a greater chance at being able to achieve the things in life we desire. Property prices for what you get up here are ridiculous. Pressure for affordable housing gets tighter every year and rents reflect this, being a student town makes landlords charge stupid amounts of money for accommodation which is terrible. I must admit we have been very lucky, our first landlord is one of the nicest men I've ever met and very funny, we did help save his property from catching fire after the old chapel next door burnt down back in 2008, a Friday night I will never forget! We moved from that flat into our current house in December 2010, I have the most spacious loft conversion room which is massive as our bedroom and my little writing/crafting/dreaming area and I love it dearly. As anyone who is currently in the same position as us knows, renting is a frustrating game and every month feeling deflated thinking how that money could be going on a mortgage payment of a similar value. If we were to buy a house up here we wouldn't get a great deal for our budget or would have to move further away from town but then would probably need to have two cars. Near to my family or my husband's we would get a lot more choice and much more for our money. One thing that is holding us back at the moment is the fact my husband can't drive but come May he is starting lessons again and hopefully will pass his test soon after. I can't live here forever as much as I love the place and all the fond memories it holds I feel trapped at times being so far away from any major cities and our families. It would be a different situation if say I was from here and my husband had come to study and we met etc etc as we would have my family or if one of our families had moved I probably wouldn't feel like this. At times I wish I could just go around and see my parents but that takes a two and a half hour drive, thinking about it makes me feel a little depressed at the best of times.

The other major factor in wanting to move is about starting a family. As soon as I had the ring on my finger back in October my colleges started to speculate on when I might have a baby as we've had a string of pregnancies over the last two years on my department. For the most part I've laughed them off. I would like to have a baby more than anything, if only it was that easy. I know it can take time and working the hours we do, husband especially, means it will more than likely take even longer. Unlike my predecessor not keeping my position in work would not be the end of the world. I've proved I can do my job and do it very well. Part of me would be happy to hold off having children until later on but then comes the question of how long is too long? I would be heartbroken to leave it that long to not be able to have any. I know later on we would be more financially secure but who knows what the future holds. I'd like to have two or maybe three children over the next few years, be able to enjoy them whilst I'm youngish and have the energy before going back to progress in work or whatever career path I choose when they get a bit older. I know I can't do this living here, having no support would be a nightmare and being alone all day with a baby not much fun. This week has been topped off with two Facebook friends announcing they are due in September and one of my colleges who is in a similar position to us, telling me she is also expecting. I'm really pleased for them but also a little jealous as I feel I should be in the same situation, I'm not overly looking forward to all the remarks on how they thought it would be me next. What do them expect me to say? Oh I'm sorry for not trying hard enough! Do tell me where I'm going wrong! And breathe...

Can we ever really have it all? I was a bit too young to appreciate Sex and the City when it first came out but having since watched it I can relate to the generation who believed in it. We all want the same things at the end of the day, a loving partner, a home of our own, a job we love and maybe a couple of babies and I do think we can have it all but not always at the same time. Sometimes the elements just don't work in the combination you want them to. The game of compromise is never far away but we all make compromises every day to keep on moving forward. At this current point I know having a family means more to me than my career, I'm willing to leave here and move closer to one of our families to achieve this and to help further my husband's career. I will support him in whichever direction he wants to head. It scares me to think we've only been married five months but am moving towards making big decisions that will shape our long term future but I suppose after six years together it doesn't seem so scary after all. I know that without my husband none of this would be possible. Sometimes I think he knows what I'm thinking about when really he has no idea and I should actually tell him, especially when things mean so much to me.

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Sorry if it seems doom and gloom but it feels good just to let everything out. Getting stressed will not help matters. I wrote the piece above on Friday night and now on Sunday afternoon I've had some time to reflect. I still feel the same but have calmed down since then and I know the only way I can move forward to start looking at our options once that driving test is successfully passed, so no pressure for him then! Today we've been married exactly five months and I'm looking forward to many happy months and years ahead of us.